The Style Invitational Week 959 Out of Network
By Pat Myers, Published: February 16
“Sesame Street” moves to CBN: Ernie and
Bert can’t appear in a bedroom together.
Forty-two-time Loser Mike
Gips, who’s been on an Invite roll lately, suggests a little rechanneling: Move
a current or former TV program (or type of programming) to a different network
and explain what would change, as in the example above.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a nifty book called
“Whose Hair,” which consists of drawings of famous people’s heads with the
faces removed — so you have to guess who they are from the hair alone. (If
you’re not sure whose hair is pictured on the pages we link to here, look at
the bottom of the results.) Donated by the faceless but not nameless Kevin
Dopart.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 27;
results published March 18 (March 16 online). No more than 25 entries per
entrant per week. Include “Week 959” in your e-mail subject line or it may be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by
Beverley Sharp; the subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Jeff
Contompasis. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at
on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 955, in which we asked you to pair
a word or short phrase with its anagram — the same letters rearranged — and
define the resulting phrase: Many of you offered “Republican crab lineup” as a
description of this year’s GOP presidential candidates, and a “mother’s
thermos” as a warm-milk jug.
The winner of the Inker
New York wonkery: One thing
they can’t claim is superior to D.C.’s. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington)
2. Winner of the
Talking Fortune Teller Calendar : He-moron hormone: Testosterone. (Chris Doyle,
Ponder, Tex.)
3. Satellite radio salaried
toilet: Howard Stern. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
4. Knits stink: What happens
when heavy sweaters wear heavy sweaters. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.)
Minor loons beneath: Honorable mentions
The Democrats are here! Here
come the rats, dear!: Pre-dinner-party comments overheard at the Carville-Matalin
house (Gordon Cobb, Atlanta, a First Offender)
Leadership dealership:
One-stop shopping for all your public-official-buying needs. (Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase, Md.; Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
Went Newt: Answered an
embarrassing question by attacking the questioner. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)
Allergy gallery: The Museum
of Natural Histamine. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Most inane Minnesota: Land of
Michele Bachmann and Jesse Ventura (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
Liberal ire ball: A Democratic
convention. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Sexting gets nix: What
Anthony Weiner learned the hard way. (Dave Coutts, Severna Park, Md.)
Mitt Romney memory tint:
Rose-colored historical fact-spinning. (Roger Stone, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Pedestrian
pedantries: What a walking encyclopedia spouts. (Chris Doyle)
Flesh shelf: “Love handle” is
a more charitable term. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Super Bowl bowel spur:
Affliction caused by too many visits to the Seven-Layer Bean Dip tray. (Anne Paris,
Arlington, Va.)
Considerate desecration:
Taking time to clean up the paint spills after spraying hate slogans on a house
of worship. (Larry Gray)
Tom Brady’s tardy mobs: The
Patriots’ offensive line trying to protect its quarterback. (Mike Bergen,
Rockville, Md., a First Offender)
Rid-of-Al Florida: Election
2004. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
TSA SAT: Knife is to stab as
cupcake is to . . . (Liza Recto, Lexington Park, Md., a First
Offender)
Democratic micro cadet:
Michael Dukakis posing in that tank. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)
Blind-as-a-bat stab-and-bail:
Congressional fiscal policy. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Has-been banshee: Roseanne
Barr. (Larry Gray)
“Sex and the City,” Sixty ’n’
cheated: Aging flirts get just deserts. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)
Shoe hose: What I need after
playing 18 holes of golf in goose season. (Mairzy Salander, Arlington, Va.)
Inconsistent non-scientist:
Global-warming denier who buys flood insurance just in case. (Gary Crockett)
Solicit colitis: “Would you
like fries with that?” (Nancy Schwalb)
Liberal braille: Read my
pips: Mo’ new taxes. (Jeff Contompasis)
Hereto hetero:
Just now coming out. (Chris Doyle)
Purple Rain Urinal Prep:
Specially developed for testing the royal wee. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach,
Del.)
Mean amen: “Damn right!”
(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
Thermos mothers: They
insulate their children against any potential bit of trouble. (Carol Ostrow,
Laurel, Md.)
Open? Nope: What Marianne
said to Newt. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)
Republican presidential
debate — Undateable, crippled inebriates: An unusually biased program
description on the TV Guide channel. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.)
Reaganomics magic reason: How
the 1 percent explain that giving them more money helps the economy. (Jason
Russo)
Yoda day-o: “Come the
daylight, go home me want to.” (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
Colonist coin-slot: The
cleavage that resulted when Yankees got too big for their breeches. (Phyllis
Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)
Sheesh, she’s
“he”: The sudden realization that your date is a transvestite. (Chris Doyle)
Faltered deflater: “Doctor,
it’s been more than four hours . . .” (Denise Sudell, Cheverly,
Md.)
Constipation inaction post:
Oversharing on Facebook. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.)
And Last:
The Style Invitational ha to intestinal levity: Another poop joke gets ink.
(John Holder, Charlotte)
And Even Laster:
Lunatic fringe fecal grin unit: Euphemism for Style Invitational Losers. (Dave
Prevar, Annapolis)
Next week: Give Us Some Bad Ideas, or Hints From Hell